"I remember crying out," Lord, I'm dying!" I heard the Lord clearly speak to my heart,"Good, I want you dead!" He wanted me completely emptied of self so He can pour out even more of His spirit into my life..."
God wants me dead to myself. This is not the first time I've heard this, but it feels like the first time. Maybe because I haven't been awake to it till now or maybe because I just haven't seen many people living this way. When I think about my relationship with God, it is not this. It's not a complete emptying of myself to Him. Breaking my jar, full of my thoughts, my fears, my insecurities, my desires, my hatred, my pride, my laziness, my talents, my love, everything, at His feet.. I haven't been that pleasing sacrifice. I give when I have to, when there's an altar call or when something becomes so burdensome that I can't carry it with me anymore. But yesterday, I started getting it. Getting that I thought I was living for Him, but I really wasn't. Because, when I really look inside, there's so much that still bothers me and hurts me and makes me afraid. I'm afraid of public speaking. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of not getting what I want. I'm afraid of what people think about me. I'm afraid of being honest, of being completely myself, because that just may not be enough. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of being on stage. I'm afraid of evangelizing. I rarely have complete faith that someone will be healed when I pray for healing. I'm guilty of slander. I'm guilty of hatred. I'm guilty of having a spirit of competition, even with friends. I'm guilty of having self-centered dreams. I'm guilty of wanting to be recognized. I'm guilty of lust. I'm guilty of being so so self-seeking. I'm guilty of giving to people and expecting something in return. I'm guilty of lying. I'm guilty of disrespecting my parents. I'm guilty of not acknowledging my talents and keeping them to myself. I'm guilty of thinking other people are better than I am. I'm guilty of not living in the fullness of the spirit of power, love, and self-discipline that God has given me. And so so much more. These are a fraction of the things I keep inside. And I sometimes I have the audacity to think that I am really pleasing Jesus. Jesus wants to live in clean bodies and hearts. We need to realize that God does not fully consume and powerfully use anyone who does not want to be fully consumed and powerfully used. He does not appreciate compromise and half-heartedness. We need to become radically serious about serving Him with our lives and about cleaning impurities out of our hearts. We need to lose all faith in ourselves and only see His face. Then, can we experience the fullness of joy and peace and glory He's intended for us.
Before I came here, I had a lot of frustration in ministry, and I felt so much anger and disappointment towards the church. One of the prayer requests I put in my support letter was that I would learn how to really love the church and have His heart in service. In Always Enough, this gave me a lot of hope and direction:
"It's comical to think we can do God's work for Him. It's all grace. He allows us to participate with Him, and so there is always enough. He showed me how much I needed Him and the Body of Christ. He is calling us to complete humility and gentleness. It is never about us; it is always about Him. We need patience for every person we encounter in ministry, that we can be long-suffering, bearing with one another in His love, able to love the unlovely.
He is our only hope. He is our Lord. Our faith is in Him. We are baptized into Him. We lay down our lives. We die to ourselves in baptism. We are raised new creations in Christ. God is calling each of us to walk in the mercy and grace He has given us. He prepares us for works of service. Do we see what He sees? Do we feel what He feels? Can we hear the cry of His heart for the lost? This is poverty of spirit. God is calling us to be poor in spirit. When we are poor in spirit, we no longer compete. We no longer jostle for titles. When we have no drive to be noticed and known, we are not offended by lack of attention. We find no satisfaction in ministry status. Then we can walk in unity, preferring others above ourselves. Our only desire is to live the life of a humble servant-lover of our Lord Jesus."
We need to become utterly dependent on Him in everything.
"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love, make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace..."
Ephesians 4:1-3
No comments:
Post a Comment