할머니

This is my grandma. Her name is Ruth Kang. She's 82 years old. And she's my hero. She spent her whole life loving God by loving people. When she was young, she worked as a nurse and then as a professor, teaching other young people how to be nurses. She went around to orphanages for handicapped children around Korea, treating kids, passing out medication, and loving on them. My mom would tell me stories about when my grandma took her with her to these orphanages.. It's where my mom developed her heart for injustice. (Mom says she's going to do orphan work when she stops working. I'm going to keep you accountable, mommy.) My grandma definitely had that heart. She worked for World Vision when it was a newer thing. She was independent, rarely living with my grandpa cause he was always away in Japan working. She even personally cared for three kids from those orphanages, providing for them on top of my mom and my two emos. They still call her "mom" to this day. She then moved to America with her children. She lived with her youngest sister as well, my emo-halmoni, who passed last year. I was always afraid of my emo-halmoni. She was a scary woman, never married, and hardened because she was neglected as the youngest of nine.. Cathy and I were talking on the subway the other day. Her dad is a photographer and he used to take photos with my emo-halmoni. He was one of the few she really trusted and loved. Cathy told me that my emo-halmoni's last request to him was to visit my grandma every week because she loved her the most in this life.

When she got older, my grandma stopped working and took care of us. She picked us up from school everyday and made friends with all the the parents and teachers, even though she was a lot older. They called her "avocado lady" because she'd pick avocados off the trees in her backyard and give bags of them to my teachers and my friends' parents. She was always smiling and always content. She had God inside of her. She supported my mom and emos when they pursued art and music and fashion design. She's not a normal Korean mom.. And I have her to thank for three amazing women in my life.

To be honest, I slept in my grandma's room until I was in the 5th or 6th grade (Hehehehehehe). She woke up every morning around 5 to read the Bible, then she'd go to morning prayer. There would be times when i'd wake up and realize she was gone and run out in my pajamas cause I didn't want her to go. She'd always come back inside and wait until I fell asleep again or not go at all that day, even though she was dressed and ready to go in her car. She never ever complained or refused me. Ever. Because she loved me. She prayed for me every night out loud. For my dreams (I used to have nightmares all the time), for my future spouse, that I'd love the Lord.. She always talked about Jesus. Always memorizing Bible in front of me.. I used to have freaking insane nose bleeds.. In the middle of the night.. Like blood for hours from both nostrils.. Like I would cry and cry and scream, "I'm going to die tonight!!!!" i laugh hard when I think about it now but back then, it was the end of the world.. 할머니 would wake up in the middle of the night no matter what and take care of me until it was completely stopped and I fell asleep again. She'd hold my hair back while I let the blood flow in the sink, massaging the back of my neck.. Make endless balls of toilet paper to stick up my nose, changing them every 28 seconds.. Hold a wet towel to my head.. Sing me to sleep again. She sang me to sleep every night. The same song, every night. I never knew what it meant cause it was in Korean, but it made me feel so safe when I was scared. And it still makes me feel that way today. Recently I asked my emos about lyrics. They knew bits and pieces but not every word, so I looked it up and I found this:

If you're like me, you still wouldn't understand. My Emo sent me a quick translation of the first verse:

"I am the lily in God's garden, with grace in my mouth, I grow quietly... Oh, I thank God so much, what can I give him in return, dear Lord, please accept my scent..."

My mind.. blown.. This is what my grandma was singing over me for years and years and years.. Praying over me all that time. I can still hear her voice when I close my eyes.. She always sings alto.. With that rolling vibrato.. And I knew she had that instant connection with Him because she was so used to talking with Him. And she'd sing it over and over until I fell asleep.. I'd fight my eyes to hear it again. Every time, she was so consistent and when I think back now, I know she was talking directly to Him. Now, I thank God for her.

My grandma is sick now. She's had Alzheimer's for about 5-6 years now. She can't remember a lot of things, and she's forgetting more and more all the time. And I wish I can go back in time and ask her things. About her life and her faith and her relationship with Him. I was never mature enough then to ask her about these things that really mattered. And things are hard now but I still love being with her. She used to run away from her assisted living home a lot. I'd have to drive all over Fullerton looking for her. And i'd find her at a hispanic family's house. They were angels... She'd be in there talking to them about Jesus. And when we'd leave, she'd grab every hand with both of hers, saying ,"God bless you. God bless you.." they loved her. They wanted her back all the time. Sometimes she'd walk and walk and get lost and happen to be near a church and they'd take her in and wait for me to come. Once she walked into a comic book store and when I got there, she was asking this young lady with spiky yellow hair,"are you Christian? Do you know Jesus?" HAHA I came in, and by the look on that girl's face, I knew she'd asked her probably twenty times. His favor is still on her. These days, she's not as feisty. She stays in and she's more and more disillusioned all the time. And I miss her. So much. On the weekends, I wait for her to fall asleep before I leave her, like she used to do for me. I ask her to sing me that song and she still remembers it. And I cry cry cry when she sings it now. She remembers those times with me too. I know it. Cause I get into bed with her and she pats me steady just like she used to.

She taught me real love. She taught me that love requires sacrifice. Not a burdensome sacrifice, but being able to lay down all of yourself for another with joy and patience. Love without sacrifice is an easy love. I doubt that it is love at all. That's what it looks like when a person has Jesus in their heart. She left me this amazing inheritance and I intend to claim it and live in it and pass it on to my grandchildren. I will give all of myself in loving people, especially the fatherless and the broken.