daddy wisdom

Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)

long time no see

Thursday Night:

I know I shouldn't be. But I'm looking for a place I can rest. Something grounded I can share my weight with sometimes. That's how I know I'm still wrong. I'm still not ready. I should be able to do it on my own. (No, that's wrong too..) Maybe I haven't come very far from where I was. From where I used to be, willingly chained to something so unsteady, always afraid it'd leave if I took my eyes off of it.. decide to change it's mind. But since the day I let go, I've grown cold and a little bit angry. I seem strong, but God knows I'm weak. God knows I'm searching still. I've got that rusty chain around my neck, and I'm looking for something I can fix myself to. Something so strong and so dependable. God, can I chain myself to you. Would you be okay with that. Would I leave you tired and bored and burdened. or could you change me?

Friday Morning:

I'm walking around with chains still attached to my neck and my hands.. Looking for something strong to attach myself to. I realize that the right thing is to be bound to Jesus. So I put my chains on him. He lets me.. As I do, I see the scars on his wrists and the places where that crown of thorns cut his head. When I'm done, he reaches over to me and breaks the shackles off of my neck and my wrists. and he massages my wounds, one by one. "Learn from My Love," he says. He holds my hand and we walk away from that place together.



When I had this vision Friday morning during prayer, I was so confused.. Why would he let me go? Doesn't He know I'd just walk away from Him again? I couldn't understand why He would break those chains off of me. That means we'd be separated. That means He wouldn't be able to keep me. He knows how fickle I am, how easily distracted. His actions confused me.. offended me.. made me uncomfortable. What kind of love is this. And then I realized. He's okay with waiting. He wanted to free me more than He wanted to keep me.

I've been crying a lot lately.
Everything makes me cry.. videos I watch on Facebook.. when I hear certain words.. every time I go to Rainbow House or go see my grandma. I think it's because I've been more aware. of myself, of others, of God..
It's been bothering me for the last month or so. I didn't understand why can't I control how I feel. why I felt so much to begin with.
Then this past weekend, I was reminded of a time in my life when I couldn't cry. I think I was in high school? or junior high? I really can't remember. But I just couldn't cry.. for about three years. Nothing was moving enough. Nothing was sad enough. Nothing was happy enough. My friends would call me heartless and cold. At retreats, God would move and they'd be laughing then bawling, laughing bawlinglaughingcrying (you know how it goes when the Holy Spirit works..), and I watched. Because I couldn't feel it for myself. When I look back, I realize I wasn't heartless, I was afraid.. I had built walls to protect me from fake people, from people that would change their minds, from people who didn't love me the way I loved them. I had struggled so much with my sensitivity.. There were too many times when I've thought myself pathetic for caring so much, for giving so much of myself away, and receiving nothing in return. I made these walls so high, so impenetrable that even God couldn't enter. (Not because He can't, but because real love lets you choose it) And for all those years, I thought I was safe. I was good at "guarding my heart".. so good that I couldn't feel a thing. I became a prisoner inside walls I had built with my own hands.
When I think about that time in my life and look at where I am now, I feel like exploding with thanks. Yeah, it's hard to always be crying.. it's hard on my eyes and the skin under my eyes and my heart. but it says something about my journey. That once I couldn't feel for myself, and now I'm able to feel even on behalf of others.. That once I was the torn keeper of a fortress, too afraid to let anybody in because they couldn't be trusted, yet so desperate for companionship. But Jesus proved himself to be the most faithful, most persistent lover.
I still have a long way to go. I still get scared. and I'm often tempted to pull back behind those walls again. He is patient with me, and He is teaching me to be confident in His love.