happy (be-lated) (heavenly) anniversay to you, mr.kim.. dedicated to joanne and sean

Since that hard day eight years ago, everything's changed. I'm writing this because I look at you two and I cannot deny that God is real. There is no way that there isn't a greater Father. Whose love is strong enough to overcome hell- whose love makes us strong enough to overcome hell.

I remember that day so clearly... I picked up the phone and what you said, the way you said it, made me cry and cry. I saw your world fall apart. When I think about it now, I'm reminded of Job. The devil challenging God, God knowing better, and letting the devil do what he thought would kill you. It's a testimony of how powerless he is in the larger scope of things.. I wonder if you would have grown as much as you did if your dad had still been around, if you didn't have to be as desperate as you've been all these years, if you didn't grasp as fully how much more real of a Father our God is.. I don't know, but I know you've won and you're still winning. I know He's fighting for you.

Sean, you make me so happy. I remember you as that fifth grader.. too aware of what happened. You weren't like Joanne- you were always hoping in the other guys, longing almost, for dad. And it took you a while to realize what Joanne held on to since the beginning, but it happened. HAHA I can only imagine satan's frustration. Don't forget how far He's brought you.. I know that every time you cried and every time you couldn't, His heart broke too. He interceded for you, knowing that you'd overcome soon.

It sounds funny, but as I'm writing this, I feel the Father's heart so strong.. Tears in my eyes and so proud of you two.. There aren't many who've carried burdens like these as beautifully.. covered the nakedness of their mother so easily. And I know, without a doubt, he'd feel the same.

I miss him too. I remember the way he walked and talked, always embracing. He was so so special. Like our God, always seeing beyond what was obvious.. he really looked at people, choosing to feel what they did and help when no one else did. Like our Father, he saw the lonely ones and made them his own. Maybe he was who we all must be until we go home.. a reflection of our heavenly dad.. creator, protector, lover, everything forever and ever and ever.

l o l the things i write when i'm full

When you realize how small your life is on the scale of God's plan, sometimes the small things become even more urgent. God is as infinitely deep as He is wide.. And as I realize that, there is just so much that needs to be accomplished, every blessing in my life is magnified, intensified.. Large scale means small scale. There is no difference in His kingdom. His attention to detail unparalleled.. How can He love enough to care about what I feel.. when my feelings are so meaningless. But he does. I don't get it. This love..

something i wrote on an old sticky note

I'm learning that things are most beautiful when they come and go at the perfect times. It's like music. Music is not music until all the noise it's made up of is arranged (until it finds itself... a quiet sound that can be loud... a long sound, a big sound with lots of attitude...) until you learn self-control and acquire that sense of when to hold on and when to let go. And what's hard is that it's all your choice. That's what makes anything an art. Anyways, sometimes you enjoy making noise so much that you never want to stop. But real beauty comes when the right instrument is touched in one hallowed moment and let go in the next. And I'm learning that the stops, the silences in between, are just as lovely as the sounds. They frame every resonation (or perhaps the the noise frame the silences), and they work together that way. Before they met, they both already seemed to be exactly the way they are supposed to be alone- a sound and a silence (or maybe a sound and a sound)- but together, they do greater things. They glorify each other.. 

*Inspired by the mind-blowingly creative genius that is our God and the song "Slow Your Breath" by Future of Forestry 

If I could go back today, I'd make sure you understood that you were born to be loved.

misty

dying to self is not killing your god-give talents or desires or personality. dying to self is killing your constant self-preoccupation and even self-preservation.. it's spiritual violence. it's giving your all.

on being real

what is it to really love a person. for me, it's giving them what they really need (which is sometimes different from what they want). that means you can't always be supportive in the way that they want. yes, of course, i need to be supportive. i need to be there for them no matter what. no judgment, no conditions. but that doesn't always mean telling them whatever they want to hear. a friend is someone who's honest and real, who will shed light on things when you're blind and is willing to be uncomfortable-willing to see you uncomfortable- if it brings you closer to being free. of course, this all needs to be done in prayer and with all gentleness and patience.. but it needs to be done.

give me jesus

today, someone close to me said to me, "but i really respect that you're grounded in your faith." this disturbed me so much because she's supposed to have the same faith as me.. maybe i am too much sometimes. maybe i am too openly rigid about obeying Jesus. but this is my life. this is the promise i made all those years ago when i said i would follow him. it was an all or nothing decision then, just like it is now. god knows i still compromise.. i struggle all the time.. i still let other things have parts of me. he knows what goes on in my heart. and it's still so far from perfect.. so so far.. he knows. i know. i'm a hypocrite. i'm human. but my goal is to become like Jesus- a pure reflection. my heart's desire is to one day die and see him face to face and have him say, "well done, my good and faithful servant." and i'm trying, because he deserves nothing less than all of me.
i wish they could understand that. for themselves, not for me.
that life on earth is so short. so so short. that they shouldn't waste it.

daddy wisdom

Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)

long time no see

Thursday Night:

I know I shouldn't be. But I'm looking for a place I can rest. Something grounded I can share my weight with sometimes. That's how I know I'm still wrong. I'm still not ready. I should be able to do it on my own. (No, that's wrong too..) Maybe I haven't come very far from where I was. From where I used to be, willingly chained to something so unsteady, always afraid it'd leave if I took my eyes off of it.. decide to change it's mind. But since the day I let go, I've grown cold and a little bit angry. I seem strong, but God knows I'm weak. God knows I'm searching still. I've got that rusty chain around my neck, and I'm looking for something I can fix myself to. Something so strong and so dependable. God, can I chain myself to you. Would you be okay with that. Would I leave you tired and bored and burdened. or could you change me?

Friday Morning:

I'm walking around with chains still attached to my neck and my hands.. Looking for something strong to attach myself to. I realize that the right thing is to be bound to Jesus. So I put my chains on him. He lets me.. As I do, I see the scars on his wrists and the places where that crown of thorns cut his head. When I'm done, he reaches over to me and breaks the shackles off of my neck and my wrists. and he massages my wounds, one by one. "Learn from My Love," he says. He holds my hand and we walk away from that place together.



When I had this vision Friday morning during prayer, I was so confused.. Why would he let me go? Doesn't He know I'd just walk away from Him again? I couldn't understand why He would break those chains off of me. That means we'd be separated. That means He wouldn't be able to keep me. He knows how fickle I am, how easily distracted. His actions confused me.. offended me.. made me uncomfortable. What kind of love is this. And then I realized. He's okay with waiting. He wanted to free me more than He wanted to keep me.

I've been crying a lot lately.
Everything makes me cry.. videos I watch on Facebook.. when I hear certain words.. every time I go to Rainbow House or go see my grandma. I think it's because I've been more aware. of myself, of others, of God..
It's been bothering me for the last month or so. I didn't understand why can't I control how I feel. why I felt so much to begin with.
Then this past weekend, I was reminded of a time in my life when I couldn't cry. I think I was in high school? or junior high? I really can't remember. But I just couldn't cry.. for about three years. Nothing was moving enough. Nothing was sad enough. Nothing was happy enough. My friends would call me heartless and cold. At retreats, God would move and they'd be laughing then bawling, laughing bawlinglaughingcrying (you know how it goes when the Holy Spirit works..), and I watched. Because I couldn't feel it for myself. When I look back, I realize I wasn't heartless, I was afraid.. I had built walls to protect me from fake people, from people that would change their minds, from people who didn't love me the way I loved them. I had struggled so much with my sensitivity.. There were too many times when I've thought myself pathetic for caring so much, for giving so much of myself away, and receiving nothing in return. I made these walls so high, so impenetrable that even God couldn't enter. (Not because He can't, but because real love lets you choose it) And for all those years, I thought I was safe. I was good at "guarding my heart".. so good that I couldn't feel a thing. I became a prisoner inside walls I had built with my own hands.
When I think about that time in my life and look at where I am now, I feel like exploding with thanks. Yeah, it's hard to always be crying.. it's hard on my eyes and the skin under my eyes and my heart. but it says something about my journey. That once I couldn't feel for myself, and now I'm able to feel even on behalf of others.. That once I was the torn keeper of a fortress, too afraid to let anybody in because they couldn't be trusted, yet so desperate for companionship. But Jesus proved himself to be the most faithful, most persistent lover.
I still have a long way to go. I still get scared. and I'm often tempted to pull back behind those walls again. He is patient with me, and He is teaching me to be confident in His love.