something i wrote on an old sticky note

I'm learning that things are most beautiful when they come and go at the perfect times. It's like music. Music is not music until all the noise it's made up of is arranged (until it finds itself... a quiet sound that can be loud... a long sound, a big sound with lots of attitude...) until you learn self-control and acquire that sense of when to hold on and when to let go. And what's hard is that it's all your choice. That's what makes anything an art. Anyways, sometimes you enjoy making noise so much that you never want to stop. But real beauty comes when the right instrument is touched in one hallowed moment and let go in the next. And I'm learning that the stops, the silences in between, are just as lovely as the sounds. They frame every resonation (or perhaps the the noise frame the silences), and they work together that way. Before they met, they both already seemed to be exactly the way they are supposed to be alone- a sound and a silence (or maybe a sound and a sound)- but together, they do greater things. They glorify each other.. 

*Inspired by the mind-blowingly creative genius that is our God and the song "Slow Your Breath" by Future of Forestry 

If I could go back today, I'd make sure you understood that you were born to be loved.

misty

dying to self is not killing your god-give talents or desires or personality. dying to self is killing your constant self-preoccupation and even self-preservation.. it's spiritual violence. it's giving your all.

on being real

what is it to really love a person. for me, it's giving them what they really need (which is sometimes different from what they want). that means you can't always be supportive in the way that they want. yes, of course, i need to be supportive. i need to be there for them no matter what. no judgment, no conditions. but that doesn't always mean telling them whatever they want to hear. a friend is someone who's honest and real, who will shed light on things when you're blind and is willing to be uncomfortable-willing to see you uncomfortable- if it brings you closer to being free. of course, this all needs to be done in prayer and with all gentleness and patience.. but it needs to be done.

give me jesus

today, someone close to me said to me, "but i really respect that you're grounded in your faith." this disturbed me so much because she's supposed to have the same faith as me.. maybe i am too much sometimes. maybe i am too openly rigid about obeying Jesus. but this is my life. this is the promise i made all those years ago when i said i would follow him. it was an all or nothing decision then, just like it is now. god knows i still compromise.. i struggle all the time.. i still let other things have parts of me. he knows what goes on in my heart. and it's still so far from perfect.. so so far.. he knows. i know. i'm a hypocrite. i'm human. but my goal is to become like Jesus- a pure reflection. my heart's desire is to one day die and see him face to face and have him say, "well done, my good and faithful servant." and i'm trying, because he deserves nothing less than all of me.
i wish they could understand that. for themselves, not for me.
that life on earth is so short. so so short. that they shouldn't waste it.

daddy wisdom

Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)

long time no see

Thursday Night:

I know I shouldn't be. But I'm looking for a place I can rest. Something grounded I can share my weight with sometimes. That's how I know I'm still wrong. I'm still not ready. I should be able to do it on my own. (No, that's wrong too..) Maybe I haven't come very far from where I was. From where I used to be, willingly chained to something so unsteady, always afraid it'd leave if I took my eyes off of it.. decide to change it's mind. But since the day I let go, I've grown cold and a little bit angry. I seem strong, but God knows I'm weak. God knows I'm searching still. I've got that rusty chain around my neck, and I'm looking for something I can fix myself to. Something so strong and so dependable. God, can I chain myself to you. Would you be okay with that. Would I leave you tired and bored and burdened. or could you change me?

Friday Morning:

I'm walking around with chains still attached to my neck and my hands.. Looking for something strong to attach myself to. I realize that the right thing is to be bound to Jesus. So I put my chains on him. He lets me.. As I do, I see the scars on his wrists and the places where that crown of thorns cut his head. When I'm done, he reaches over to me and breaks the shackles off of my neck and my wrists. and he massages my wounds, one by one. "Learn from My Love," he says. He holds my hand and we walk away from that place together.



When I had this vision Friday morning during prayer, I was so confused.. Why would he let me go? Doesn't He know I'd just walk away from Him again? I couldn't understand why He would break those chains off of me. That means we'd be separated. That means He wouldn't be able to keep me. He knows how fickle I am, how easily distracted. His actions confused me.. offended me.. made me uncomfortable. What kind of love is this. And then I realized. He's okay with waiting. He wanted to free me more than He wanted to keep me.