long time no see

Thursday Night:

I know I shouldn't be. But I'm looking for a place I can rest. Something grounded I can share my weight with sometimes. That's how I know I'm still wrong. I'm still not ready. I should be able to do it on my own. (No, that's wrong too..) Maybe I haven't come very far from where I was. From where I used to be, willingly chained to something so unsteady, always afraid it'd leave if I took my eyes off of it.. decide to change it's mind. But since the day I let go, I've grown cold and a little bit angry. I seem strong, but God knows I'm weak. God knows I'm searching still. I've got that rusty chain around my neck, and I'm looking for something I can fix myself to. Something so strong and so dependable. God, can I chain myself to you. Would you be okay with that. Would I leave you tired and bored and burdened. or could you change me?

Friday Morning:

I'm walking around with chains still attached to my neck and my hands.. Looking for something strong to attach myself to. I realize that the right thing is to be bound to Jesus. So I put my chains on him. He lets me.. As I do, I see the scars on his wrists and the places where that crown of thorns cut his head. When I'm done, he reaches over to me and breaks the shackles off of my neck and my wrists. and he massages my wounds, one by one. "Learn from My Love," he says. He holds my hand and we walk away from that place together.



When I had this vision Friday morning during prayer, I was so confused.. Why would he let me go? Doesn't He know I'd just walk away from Him again? I couldn't understand why He would break those chains off of me. That means we'd be separated. That means He wouldn't be able to keep me. He knows how fickle I am, how easily distracted. His actions confused me.. offended me.. made me uncomfortable. What kind of love is this. And then I realized. He's okay with waiting. He wanted to free me more than He wanted to keep me.