I've been crying a lot lately.
Everything makes me cry.. videos I watch on Facebook.. when I hear certain words.. every time I go to Rainbow House or go see my grandma. I think it's because I've been more aware. of myself, of others, of God..
It's been bothering me for the last month or so. I didn't understand why can't I control how I feel. why I felt so much to begin with.
Then this past weekend, I was reminded of a time in my life when I couldn't cry. I think I was in high school? or junior high? I really can't remember. But I just couldn't cry.. for about three years. Nothing was moving enough. Nothing was sad enough. Nothing was happy enough. My friends would call me heartless and cold. At retreats, God would move and they'd be laughing then bawling, laughing bawlinglaughingcrying (you know how it goes when the Holy Spirit works..), and I watched. Because I couldn't feel it for myself. When I look back, I realize I wasn't heartless, I was afraid.. I had built walls to protect me from fake people, from people that would change their minds, from people who didn't love me the way I loved them. I had struggled so much with my sensitivity.. There were too many times when I've thought myself pathetic for caring so much, for giving so much of myself away, and receiving nothing in return. I made these walls so high, so impenetrable that even God couldn't enter. (Not because He can't, but because real love lets you choose it) And for all those years, I thought I was safe. I was good at "guarding my heart".. so good that I couldn't feel a thing. I became a prisoner inside walls I had built with my own hands.
When I think about that time in my life and look at where I am now, I feel like exploding with thanks. Yeah, it's hard to always be crying.. it's hard on my eyes and the skin under my eyes and my heart. but it says something about my journey. That once I couldn't feel for myself, and now I'm able to feel even on behalf of others.. That once I was the torn keeper of a fortress, too afraid to let anybody in because they couldn't be trusted, yet so desperate for companionship. But Jesus proved himself to be the most faithful, most persistent lover.
I still have a long way to go. I still get scared. and I'm often tempted to pull back behind those walls again. He is patient with me, and He is teaching me to be confident in His love.