l o l the things i write when i'm full

When you realize how small your life is on the scale of God's plan, sometimes the small things become even more urgent. God is as infinitely deep as He is wide.. And as I realize that, there is just so much that needs to be accomplished, every blessing in my life is magnified, intensified.. Large scale means small scale. There is no difference in His kingdom. His attention to detail unparalleled.. How can He love enough to care about what I feel.. when my feelings are so meaningless. But he does. I don't get it. This love..

something i wrote on an old sticky note

I'm learning that things are most beautiful when they come and go at the perfect times. It's like music. Music is not music until all the noise it's made up of is arranged (until it finds itself... a quiet sound that can be loud... a long sound, a big sound with lots of attitude...) until you learn self-control and acquire that sense of when to hold on and when to let go. And what's hard is that it's all your choice. That's what makes anything an art. Anyways, sometimes you enjoy making noise so much that you never want to stop. But real beauty comes when the right instrument is touched in one hallowed moment and let go in the next. And I'm learning that the stops, the silences in between, are just as lovely as the sounds. They frame every resonation (or perhaps the the noise frame the silences), and they work together that way. Before they met, they both already seemed to be exactly the way they are supposed to be alone- a sound and a silence (or maybe a sound and a sound)- but together, they do greater things. They glorify each other.. 

*Inspired by the mind-blowingly creative genius that is our God and the song "Slow Your Breath" by Future of Forestry 

If I could go back today, I'd make sure you understood that you were born to be loved.

misty

dying to self is not killing your god-give talents or desires or personality. dying to self is killing your constant self-preoccupation and even self-preservation.. it's spiritual violence. it's giving your all.

on being real

what is it to really love a person. for me, it's giving them what they really need (which is sometimes different from what they want). that means you can't always be supportive in the way that they want. yes, of course, i need to be supportive. i need to be there for them no matter what. no judgment, no conditions. but that doesn't always mean telling them whatever they want to hear. a friend is someone who's honest and real, who will shed light on things when you're blind and is willing to be uncomfortable-willing to see you uncomfortable- if it brings you closer to being free. of course, this all needs to be done in prayer and with all gentleness and patience.. but it needs to be done.

give me jesus

today, someone close to me said to me, "but i really respect that you're grounded in your faith." this disturbed me so much because she's supposed to have the same faith as me.. maybe i am too much sometimes. maybe i am too openly rigid about obeying Jesus. but this is my life. this is the promise i made all those years ago when i said i would follow him. it was an all or nothing decision then, just like it is now. god knows i still compromise.. i struggle all the time.. i still let other things have parts of me. he knows what goes on in my heart. and it's still so far from perfect.. so so far.. he knows. i know. i'm a hypocrite. i'm human. but my goal is to become like Jesus- a pure reflection. my heart's desire is to one day die and see him face to face and have him say, "well done, my good and faithful servant." and i'm trying, because he deserves nothing less than all of me.
i wish they could understand that. for themselves, not for me.
that life on earth is so short. so so short. that they shouldn't waste it.

daddy wisdom

Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)