what he's saying to me today

"Why are you troubled, and why do doubt arise in your hearts? See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me, and see." 

happy (be-lated) (heavenly) anniversay to you, mr.kim.. dedicated to joanne and sean

Since that hard day eight years ago, everything's changed. I'm writing this because I look at you two and I cannot deny that God is real. There is no way that there isn't a greater Father. Whose love is strong enough to overcome hell- whose love makes us strong enough to overcome hell.

I remember that day so clearly... I picked up the phone and what you said, the way you said it, made me cry and cry. I saw your world fall apart. When I think about it now, I'm reminded of Job. The devil challenging God, God knowing better, and letting the devil do what he thought would kill you. It's a testimony of how powerless he is in the larger scope of things.. I wonder if you would have grown as much as you did if your dad had still been around, if you didn't have to be as desperate as you've been all these years, if you didn't grasp as fully how much more real of a Father our God is.. I don't know, but I know you've won and you're still winning. I know He's fighting for you.

Sean, you make me so happy. I remember you as that fifth grader.. too aware of what happened. You weren't like Joanne- you were always hoping in the other guys, longing almost, for dad. And it took you a while to realize what Joanne held on to since the beginning, but it happened. HAHA I can only imagine satan's frustration. Don't forget how far He's brought you.. I know that every time you cried and every time you couldn't, His heart broke too. He interceded for you, knowing that you'd overcome soon.

It sounds funny, but as I'm writing this, I feel the Father's heart so strong.. Tears in my eyes and so proud of you two.. There aren't many who've carried burdens like these as beautifully.. covered the nakedness of their mother so easily. And I know, without a doubt, he'd feel the same.

I miss him too. I remember the way he walked and talked, always embracing. He was so so special. Like our God, always seeing beyond what was obvious.. he really looked at people, choosing to feel what they did and help when no one else did. Like our Father, he saw the lonely ones and made them his own. Maybe he was who we all must be until we go home.. a reflection of our heavenly dad.. creator, protector, lover, everything forever and ever and ever.

l o l the things i write when i'm full

When you realize how small your life is on the scale of God's plan, sometimes the small things become even more urgent. God is as infinitely deep as He is wide.. And as I realize that, there is just so much that needs to be accomplished, every blessing in my life is magnified, intensified.. Large scale means small scale. There is no difference in His kingdom. His attention to detail unparalleled.. How can He love enough to care about what I feel.. when my feelings are so meaningless. But he does. I don't get it. This love..

something i wrote on an old sticky note

I'm learning that things are most beautiful when they come and go at the perfect times. It's like music. Music is not music until all the noise it's made up of is arranged (until it finds itself... a quiet sound that can be loud... a long sound, a big sound with lots of attitude...) until you learn self-control and acquire that sense of when to hold on and when to let go. And what's hard is that it's all your choice. That's what makes anything an art. Anyways, sometimes you enjoy making noise so much that you never want to stop. But real beauty comes when the right instrument is touched in one hallowed moment and let go in the next. And I'm learning that the stops, the silences in between, are just as lovely as the sounds. They frame every resonation (or perhaps the the noise frame the silences), and they work together that way. Before they met, they both already seemed to be exactly the way they are supposed to be alone- a sound and a silence (or maybe a sound and a sound)- but together, they do greater things. They glorify each other.. 

*Inspired by the mind-blowingly creative genius that is our God and the song "Slow Your Breath" by Future of Forestry 

If I could go back today, I'd make sure you understood that you were born to be loved.

misty

dying to self is not killing your god-give talents or desires or personality. dying to self is killing your constant self-preoccupation and even self-preservation.. it's spiritual violence. it's giving your all.

on being real

what is it to really love a person. for me, it's giving them what they really need (which is sometimes different from what they want). that means you can't always be supportive in the way that they want. yes, of course, i need to be supportive. i need to be there for them no matter what. no judgment, no conditions. but that doesn't always mean telling them whatever they want to hear. a friend is someone who's honest and real, who will shed light on things when you're blind and is willing to be uncomfortable-willing to see you uncomfortable- if it brings you closer to being free. of course, this all needs to be done in prayer and with all gentleness and patience.. but it needs to be done.